CDC Warns of Spread of Resistant Virus
ATLANTA GA. “We are witnessing a gathering epidemic among white men with a cluster of predispositions,” says Dr. Andrew Loomis, chief researcher at the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) Infectious Social Trends Division.
He then lists off the most recent cases: Elliot “Vice Squad” Spitzer, Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, John “What’s a Condom?” Edwards , Arnold “Mingles with Staff” Schwarzenegger, and Anthony “Franks and Beans” Weiner. All may be the latest casualties in a losing battle against a new foe.
A foe that has been gathering force since Bill “Other Intern Duties as Assigned” Clinton was in office, according to Dr. Loomis.
The epidemic, “initially hit American men,” he says. But now there is evidence coming in that the condition has spread to European men or men with European backgrounds. Dominique Strauss-Kahn is the most obvious case, but any Italian house-wife will tell you that there have been many more.
What frightens disease experts most about this condition is that it is apparently resistant to satire, shame, legal sanctions, and anything else society can throw at it.
Dr. Loomis went on to say that the CDC, through vector technology, have isolated the genesis point of the virus. “We believe it mutated from the middle sink of a men’s room in the US Capitol, that’s all I can say right now.”
White men between the ages of 40 and 65 have been urged to be alert for the following signs and symptoms. If you or someone you know exhibit more than one of these symptoms, contact your care providers immediately for follow-up:
- Do you have sudden and persistent urges to “put the past behind you, spend more time with your family, and have your privacy respected?
- Do you suffer from a keen sense that your sloppy drunk ass is brightening the day of the minimum wage earning woman who has to clean 60 toilets a day by pinning her to the sink and introducing her to Half Mast Willie while her back is turned?
- Did you lose respect for Oprah because she only has one TV network devoted to herself?
- Do you experience a persistent burning sensation when urinating?
- Does everyone around you experience unrelenting nausea?
While no vaccine is anticipated in the near future, Dr. Loomis is cautiously optimistic that the condition can one day be controlled. “This is a voracious virus; it attacks healthy brain cells and fools the immune system into thinking that it is a helper cell. We have to remember that the sufferer’s are victims too, and work to reduce the stigma associated with this crippling condition.”
“My biggest concern,” adds Dr. Loomis, “is that, with an election year coming, we are bound to see even more cases of infection. There are certain to be some casualties in 2012. And the medical community is powerless to stop them.”
Then Dr. Loomis reminds us that these men deserve our support. He sums it all up by saying, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go deal with one of my baby mamas in the lobby. “