GOP Candidates Agree Obama to Blame for Solar Flares

JACKSON, MS (SWP): In a rare show  of unity, all the remaining GOP candidates agree—albeit for different reasons—that the blame for the recent solar flare event falls squarely on Barack Obama.

“God is angry, my friends”

Experts had feared that this, the biggest solar storm in five years, would cause disruptions to satellites, power grids and communications networks over a 24 hours.

Mitt Romney Flaring

"I'll poke his eyes out in the general election."

“Clearly this shows how this president’s policies are a complete failure,” stated Newt Gingrich at a rally here in Jackson. “When I’m sworn in as president, the first action I’ll take—before the 10 other things I’ve promised to take as my first action–will be to undo the failed policies of Barack Obama that allowed this solar activity.”

When pressed on how any president is supposed to have influence on such a natural event, Mr. Gingrich simply retorted, “Typical ‘gotcha’ question from the hostile media’.” The question had been asked by 87-year retired elementary school teacher Ida Kravitz.

“God is angry, my friends,” said Rick Santorum wearing a tin-foil hat usually only seen on the head of Ron Paul. “This is just a warning sign of the wrath that will come if I am not elected president to stop abortions, to stop contraception, to stop gay marriage and to stop Kim Kardashian.”

Nevermind that the solar storm had a weaker geomagnetic impact than originally feared, and communications systems didn’t experience any serious problems.

“… the failed policies of this failing failure of a failed president.”

“That just shows,” chimed in Mitt Romney, who spoke to us using a cell phone made entirely of gold, “how government—especially under the failed policies of this failing failure of a failed president—can’t be relied on to accomplish even something as simple as a powerful solar storm. He’s failing. And if you people fail to see that then I fail to see how the country can stop failing  … ”

Romney eventually promised that as president he would deregulate all astronomical events so the free market can do it’s work to create “astro-jobs.”

At this point you may be thinking that these candidates must be experiencing the side effects of exposure to the powerful solar storm. Many readers may fear that we will all start babbling like morons. But experts we contacted assured us that there is no cause for alarm. The candidates’ behavior is simply due to the sad reality that they are nuts.

UPDATE: Astrophysicists, enjoying their 15 minutes of fame, warn that the storm may still have the major impact feared and that it would be a mistake to be complacent and go on with our lives without preparing for the end of times. For at least one more news cycle. Maybe two.

Advertisements