France to Lance: Not a Chance

PARIS (SWP): French officials representing Ironman France released a statement today which reaffirmed their decision to ban Lance Armstrong from competing in the race.

Spokesperson Pepe Fromage cited fresh evidence received from the USADA (United States Anti-Doping Agency). Fromage reports that USADA investigators surreptitiously followed Armstrong on a training run.

After Armstrong paused to relieve himself on a nearby shrub, they swooped in. An anonymous USASA source provided the following photos to SWP in an exclusive interview. “Armstrong peed on the shrub you see on the left. Six days later, you see the resultant growth in the second photo. This freakish change can only be explained by prodigious doping.”

A coalition from Dopes Anonymous, including Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, and Mark McGuire, publicly pleaded with Armstrong to turn himself in.

Appearing on ESPN, a tearful Clemens stated, “We’ve got a seat reserved for you in our Tuesday night meeting, buddy. As a fellow Texan, I’m pleading with you, get some help now.”