Monthly Archive: March, 2013

We’d Deliver for You

WASHINGTON DC (SWP): U.S. Postal Service Deputy Director Buzz Shaver announced today an unprecedented agreement with a coalition of Medical Marijuana organizations that will allow the post office to continue Saturday deliveries, and,… Continue reading

Obama Travels to Israel, Brings Easter Bunny

Egg rolling causes eye rolling TEL AVIV (SWP): President Obama stepped off the plan this afternoon with a surprising companion. In his initial remarks on the tarmac he noted, “A holiday that involves… Continue reading

Cardinals Initiate Cassock to Cassock Search for Missing Altar Boy

Incident Mars Church’s Attempt to Turn the Page on Scandal ROME, ITALY (SWP): Giancarlo Pannini’s mother, like all Roman mothers this week, warned her only child to stay in the house during the… Continue reading

Area Man Sues Parents for Living Too Long

Seeks additional damages for small inheritance CLINTON, MO (SWP): A local man, who neighbors describe as “an all around jerk,” has sued his parents for living too long and denying him a decent… Continue reading

The People Speak: Obama’s Approval Dropping

4 Months after the Election 2012, Obama’s approval rating has dropped from its highs to 43%. Should he worry? “Wait … What was the question?” Sheila Patron, Medical Experiment Volunteer Boise, Idaho “Obama?… Continue reading

Resusci Annie, Original CPR Model, Dies Two Days after Signing DNR Order

“I think she knew it was time.” MIAMI FL (SWP):  So stated Nancy Winklehoof, Nursing Director at Sandy Shores Rest Home and Crematorium. Annie, who served as Dr. James Elam’s original and longstanding… Continue reading

Pessimists Optimistic About Study Showing Benefits of Pessimism

“If you are in touch with reality, you are not happy. That’s why we have booze and drugs” TORONTO (SWP): Dr. Peter Blanch, Assistant Professor of Grumpy Psychology at the University of Toronto,… Continue reading

Church of Scientology Recruits Catholics

Runs First Ever Groupon Promotion RIVERSIDE COUNTY, CA (SWP): Looking to take advantage of the turmoil and scandal in the Roman Catholic Church, the Church of Scientology is embarking on a marketing campaign… Continue reading

Pope Confesses: “God Fired Me”

ROME (SWP): In a stunning announcement this morning Pope Benedict admitted that “the big guy told me he wanted to move in another direction.” “the Vatican? … it’s Miami Beach without the bugs… Continue reading