Facing Record Drought California Turns to Human Sacrifice

Let it RainSACRAMENTO, CA (SWP): Citing the success of the Aztecs with the god Tlaloc, Governor Jerry Brown announced a measure to institute an emergency state of human sacrifice in California until the drought ends.

The most populous U.S. state is suffering its third year of drought. Back in January Governor Jerry Brown declared a drought emergency, allowing the state to request federal aid.

“They will be transported to a
shrine and their hearts will be
pulled out by bureaucrats”

In some cities and towns about half the water residents use is for lawns and cleaning car. Voluntary measures do not go far enough, according to the State Water Resources Control Board. The situation on the ground and in the clouds only continues to get worse.

The new measures include funding for a new shrine dedicated to Tlaloc. Once completed, the sacrifice of children will begin. According to tradition, the children must be beautifully adorned, dressed in the style of Tlaloc and the Tlaloque.

“On litters strewn with flowers and feathers; surrounded by dancers, they will be transported to a shrine and their hearts will be pulled out by bureaucrats,” said Brown at his press conference.

Aides noted that if, on the way to the shrine, these children cry, their tears will be considered signs of imminent and abundant rains. The children will be selected from the second-born children of venture capitalists, rich entrepreneurs, and cosmetic surgeons. Celebrity families will be mostly spared, since most second children are adopted.

The cult of Tlaloc is one of the oldest and most universal in ancient Mexico. Although the name is Aztec, the idea of a storm god especially identified with mountaintop shrines and with life-giving rain is as old as Teotihuacan.