Trump Announces Slate of Anti-Hoax Orders
WASHINGTON D.C. (SWP): President Trump announced Thursday afternoon that he is not only withdrawing the United States from the landmark Paris climate agreement — an extraordinary move that dismayed America’s allies — but also that he is proposing a slate of new initiatives that critics say will set back the global progress even further.
“These international hoaxes are killing America,” said the president. “Climate change is a hoax. Obamacare is just a myth. I’m destroying these hoaxes, just like I promised.”
Trump’s decision set off alarms worldwide, drawing swift and sharp condemnation from foreign leaders as well as top environmentalists and corporate titans, who decried the U.S. exit from the Paris accord as an irresponsible abdication of American leadership.
“I am today announcing a new, real initiative to put a man on the moon. Because we all know the supposed moon landing of 1969 was a hoax,” said Trump to a shocked audience in the Rose Garden. “I mean. C’mon. They didn’t even have Twitter back then. How could they send a man to the moon?”
Also announced on the anti-hoax agenda:
- Proving that Paul is, indeed, dead: “He might as well be. Have you heard his latest stuff?”
- Dinosaurs: “I mean, have you ever actually seen one? And those arms. Who has arms that short?”
- Low-carb diets: “Look at me. Check out my exquisite musculature. I don’t eat low carb. I love chocolate cake.”
- UFOs: “Oh we have one, people. Believe me. My next Executive Order will prove it.”
- Earth is round: “When we land on the moon, you’ll see the pictures.”
- Mormonism: “Magic underwear? Puh-lease!”
The president cast his decisions as a “reassertion of America’s sovereignty,” arguing that these hoaxes, started by Democrats and perpetuated under President Barack Obama, were grossly unfair to the U.S. workers he had vowed to protect with his populist “America First” platform.
“I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris,” he said.
He then put on a tin foil hat, blurted out “Covfefe!” and left the podium without taking questions.