Next Up for Congressional Republicans: Dismantle Highways and Bridges

“And Damns. We’re looking at you next.”

WASHINGTON D.C. (SWP): In the wake of a terrible score from the CBO, the BCRA, the Senate version of an ACA Repeal and Replace bill, hasn’t even come to a vote yet.

But this hasn’t slowed an ambitious GOP agenda from taking shape.

“Fixing healthcare was just the start,” said Senate Majority Leader and the Congressional “Sexiest Man Alive” winner three years running, Mitch McConnell (R-KY).

“If you think kicking 22 million of our fellow citizens off of healthcare was impressive,” said McConnell, “just wait to you see what we do next.”

Sources tell SWP that McConnell, working with Speaker of the House and human chiroptera Paul “Lyin'” Ryan (R-WI), has some unbelievable plans for making America great again.

McConnell said that the country’s infrastructure is in a “death spiral” and needs to be dismantled. He gave no details on what that meant.

McConnell then vowed to repeal and replace those failing roads and bridges.

Anonymous sources close to the majority leader tell SWP that the GOP is considering the destruction of the highway and bridges system as we know it. “The wealthiest Americans would, of course, have flying cars. And so would members of Congress and their staffs.”

Some subsidies would be granted to states to fund low-income transportation options like skateboards and all-terrain rickshaws.  But these subsidies would be phased out starting in 2020.

“To the GOP leadership, it’s about taking personal responsibility and having choices,” said the source. “If you need to be somewhere by Tuesday morning, well then, be responsible and start walking the Friday before. Or, you can choose to run instead.”

A group of eleven senators is working behind closed doors on the draft legislation. Observers say that the group has been sequestered for three days. The only signs of life have been deliveries of pizza, beer, and two strippers.

Major retailers, manufacturers, and shipping companies say they have not been consulted on the plans. Industry trade group representatives said that they plan to take a wait-and-see approach. “My flying car arrives in July,” offered one CEO.

Asked for comment, the White House stated that President Trump, “certainly is in favor of blowing things up. And strippers. All in on that.”