Trump Unveils White House Renovation Plan

Includes 350 luxury condos. “It’s going to be beautiful. Just beautiful.” NEW YORK CITY, NY (SWP): Promising something beautiful and “yuge,” Donald Trump unveiled his plans for White House renovations when he’s elected.… Continue reading

Jeb, Choking on Own Vomit, Endorses Cruz

I can’t believe it’s come to this.” DEEP IN JEB’S WORST NIGHTMARE (SWP): Choking on his own vomit, former presidential candidate Jeb Bush endorsed former rival, Ted Cruz, in last minute gambit by… Continue reading

Trump Goes Full Washington Insider

Stunned supporters left frightened, confused but still loyal WASHINGTON D.C. (SWP): Calm. Reading from a teleprompter. Meeting with Senators. Is that John Kasich? No, it’s Donald J. Trump. As the candidate met with… Continue reading

Marco Rubio Went Live with Unproven Firmware Upgrade

Engineers worried about lack of testing for new Attack 2.0 module. DALLAS, TX (SWP): Attacking Donald Trump at a rally in Dallas, one day after the latest Republican debate, Rubio further exercised his… Continue reading

Marco Rubio Gains Momentum Among Whiney, Prissy Types

Third place is the new first place.

Donald Trump Endorses Sarah Palin Right Back

The Donald looks forward to a big boost from Palin. AMES IA (SWP): Sarah Palin, the Tea Party favorite former Governor of Alaska and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee, endorsed Donald J. Trump in… Continue reading

Ted Cruz Set to Wind Down Campaign after Endorsement

It’s the kiss of death beyond Iowa DES MOINES, IA (SWP): Telling supporters that it was a bittersweet moment, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced that he’ll be winding down his campaign after winning… Continue reading

Commercial Airlines to Arm against Drones

Near misses at O’hare and Los Angeles prompt aggressive response WASHINGTON D.C. (SWP): After a series of near misses, pilots say they are fed up with the growing amateur drone menace. “Once we blow… Continue reading

Local Man Meticulously Irons Shirt Only to Discover Stain Afterwards

Mourns the precious 10 minutes he’ll “never get back”

Scott Walker to Spend Day in Block of Ice

Republican candidates fighting Trump for share of news cycle. NEW YORK, NY (SWP): As Republican candidates vie for a share of voice against Donald Trump, they are increasingly being forced to up the… Continue reading