Donald Trump Rising in Polls among Rapists

Has a great relationship with the Rapists NEW YORK, NY (SWP) “I have a great relationship with Rapists,” the real-estate mogul turned aspiring president said in an interview with NBC News on Wednesday. “I… Continue reading

Local Man Moves Family to Actual Goddamned Barn

No longer asking kids if they think they live in a goddamned barn.

“Sure,” he says, kicking a piece of pizza across the floor. “The barn smells like cow shit, but my stress level is way down.”

Carly Fiorina Announces Bid for Vice Presidency

Or at least a Cabinet position

WASHINGTON D.C. (SEP): Former Hewlett-Packard Co Chief Executive Carly Fiorina announced on Monday she is running for vice-president, joining a rag tag collection of surgeons, radio hosts, and absentee governors also running for V.P.

Career Henchmen Protest Hollywood Depictions

“When I let loose with an automatic, the pretty boy is going down, baby!”

HOLLYWOOD, CA (SWP): Saying they have a problem with the way criminals are depicted, a group of criminal’s rights activists took to the streets of Hollywood to protest and raise awareness. They want to give Hollywood execs and producers an offer they can’t refuse.

Harry Reid Vows to Act on Nomination if GOP Won’t

Threatens Senate Bake Sale; GOP Wives Furious

“It just might work,” says Congressional Watcher Sarah Bellum of the gambit. “With their husbands regularly visiting male prostitutes, these women have nothing else to live for.”

One-percent Quietly Honor Wealth Transfer Day

Country’s growing focus on income inequality puts damper on 2015 celebrations

Around the country today, wealthy Americans are quietly honoring what’s known in their circles as Wealth Transfer Day.

Actor in Erectile Dysfunction Ads Assures Fans He’s Just Acting

Ladies, I never even opened the free samples!

Paul McCartney Determined to Outlive Ringo Starr

“You think I’ve been eating like a rabbit all these years for fun?” LOS ANGELES, CA (SWP): Two years Starr’s junior, McCartney has an actuarial leg up in his plan. But he’s not relying… Continue reading

House Passes 11th Hour Bill to Fund House

Nation avoids complete breakdown of society WASHINGTON D. C. (SWP): With all the attention given to funding the Department of Homeland Security, many Americans did not even realize that they and the whole globe… Continue reading

Poll Shows Chimpanzees More Likely Than Republicans to Believe in Evolution

Though the chimps won’t take the blame for humanity WASHINGTON D.C. (SWP): Now we have a fairly good explanation for why Republican Oval Office hopefuls like Scott Walker and Bobby Jindal are afraid… Continue reading